Einstein: April 6, 1990 - February 13, 2008

Einstein, Thanksgiving 2007
No, I am not going to look up until you take the damn picture!


A Nutmegger by birth, Einstein started life amidst humble beginnings in New Britain, Connecticut on April 6, 1990. Firstborn among his siblings Greystoke, Soupy, Peewee, and the Dalai Lama, Einstein was always the first kitten in line for everything. Shortly after learned to toddle around, he adopted one of his human caregivers, another firstborn, to be his lifelong assistant. He was eternally grateful to her for teaching him to use a litter box.

Einstein used one of his lives early on when he fell three stories from a window screen and survived unscathed. (Why he was clinging to the screen remains unknown.) He cultivated a relationship with his indifferent father, Jim, sitting at the closest distance Jim would tolerate (about 3 feet) and staring into the same space as his dad. For his mother, Kitchen, Einstein expressed unqualified affection (even though she refused to teach him to use the litter box), attempting to nurse long after all his other siblings had been weaned. He would slide in to her teat as if he was reaching home plate. Kitchen was not amused.

A move deeper into New England – to Morrisville, Vermont in December 1992 – offered new opportunities for adventure. Shortly after he recovered from a brief and almost deadly bout with diabetes, Einstein slaughtered his first small creature, leaving only the tail and the gall bladder, and no mess whatsoever. Subsequent encounters with small rodents proved almost consistently successful on Einstein’s part, although his human’s eleventh-hour save of a barely-maimed mouse that he had planned to finish off later destroyed his consistent record. Each winter in Vermont brought swarming cluster flies, like a weeklong bonus of flying potato chips. He particularly enjoyed watching large creatures like moose from his Vermont windows, and never tattled when the moose asked him to keep their frequent visits to the spring outside the house on the q.t.

In his East Coast years, Einstein often enjoyed visiting Cedar Grove, New Jersey for the holidays, where he became acquainted with the Queen of Snacks, who offered him smoked salmon and other delicacies, and the Endless Lap, who watched television unmoving for periods of time long enough to allow adequate napping time. He also encountered a sage elder who correctly perceived what Einstein would say first if he could speak (as animals are reputed to do at midnight on Christmas eve): “So, what have you done for me lately?”

A move to Arlington, Massachusetts in 1995 provided windows on three sides of his living space and thus much more activity and information to manage. Although small creatures apparently ran rampant in the cat-patrolled space above, Einstein’s presence created a force field that kept all the mice away from his home. Life was peaceful in Arlington, save for an alleged “play date” with another cat (with the questionable name “Cookie Dough”) arranged by misguided humans. This “play date” did not end in disaster, as Einstein had sniffed Cookie Dough’s scent on bags brought to the location by an individual known and barely tolerated by him and because Ms. Dough offered proper respect, leaving his litter box and food untouched. Thus the incident ended without incident.

Relocating across the river to the South End of Boston meant a nerve-wracking moving day spent hiding behind the toilet in a new bathroom. But it also brought new opportunities. The tiny city mice were unprepared to encounter the mighty Einstein, and he learned that a light touch could be just as effective as a nasty slap when controlling vermin. Barely had this native New Englander settled on Milford Street, where there was much outside traffic to patrol from the windows above, when the appearance of boxes boded more disruption.

Whisked from his native New England to a brief stop in New Jersey and then on not one, but two, airplanes – where first class did not appear to involve cats – Einstein arrived in the Golden State in March 2001 and remained in a boarding house for a week. While the accommodations were not gracious (other cats were present!), life was peaceful enough for him to catch up on his sleep, and by the time he was taken to a spacious apartment on a street that was busy enough to keep his powers of observation honed, Einstein was ready to settle in to the life of a SoCal retiree, lying in the sun and chasing imaginary foes. But no real foes materialized, and one of Einstein’s regrets was that he never got the chance to kill any small creatures during his days as an Angeleno.

A health crisis in May 2005 (a bum liver, possibly from too much partying) led to many tiresome trips in the car, often to visit a horde of women, one in particular who poked and prodded him endlessly and seemed to expect his affection in return. Hah! His requests to avoid car travel went unheeded; however Fancy Feast was offered at reasonable intervals and the many comfortable chairs (and a new extralarge bed!) made life quite posh, notwithstanding his ignored requests to move to 90210, or at least Beverly Hills P.O.

Einstein preferred to mishear the name of his neighborhood, Los Feliz, as “Los Felix,” named after the “Righty-O!” cat. In March 2006 Einstein received an unexpected bonus when his human left her job and took a year off from working. She readjusted her life to become more like his, taking naps and following no particular schedule. It was as if sixteen years of subliminal messages had at long last proved successful. Had the bipedal mammal come to her senses? Had centuries of feline efforts been successful?

For a long time, the answer seemed to be yes, and then no, as the human started to disappear again, although this alternated with intervals of cat-pleasing behavior that Einstein taught her himself. For his part, life was mostly pleasant, although he found that his frequent bouts of upchucking often led to long car trips and visits to those fussing women. He also had to tolerate having pills tossed down his gullet, although he avoided biting the human in retaliation because of her ability to provide Fancy Feast at intervals. Also, as he became older, he appreciated her company much more, especially in the evenings, as well as the simple pleasure of walking across her lap once, twice, three times before settling down.

As time passed, Einstein began to consider a broader range of options. An upchucking incident on Sunday, February 10, 2008 left him feeling diminished, and he decided, after another forced visit to those infernally cheerful and caring women, to stop taking in food and drink. That, combined with the progression of other health problems, left him feeling completely unwell, unable to sleep, and frankly so preoccupied with his own problems that the affection of the human was no longer inspiring. On Wednesday, February 13, just after 11 p.m., he gave up the good fight.

Einstein's great skill was for simply BEING -- in the moment, on the chair, at his water dish, on the bed taking a nap. Like many cats, he did not see any necessity for DOING. This is probably the strongest lesson I learned from him, other than the constant need to check your perimeters.